Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Three principles of brain washing, shunned like an amish slut

Three Principles of Brain Washing
1) REPETITION - Going through the same subject over and over again.

Yes I get it! Christmas is a ticking time bomb and if I don't buy SOMETHING for EVERYONE I know by 6 pm December 24th .... it WILL blow up in my face!


2)  PEDAGOGICS - The subjects are never left alone nor give any private time to contemplate  the information they are receiving.

Yep the only place I can get away from the Christmas holocaust is in the bathroom. TV,Radio,internet,mailbox,newspaper,buses,billboards,banners, neighbors houses, complete strangers houses, text,telephone and a few I'm sure I haven't mentioned........ I cant get away from it.  I'm being swarmed by christmas like an attack of killer bees!


3) CRITICISM- The subjects are supposed to feel uncertain; under the constant threat of being humiliated and despised.

1. There is nothing I can give my mother for under $20,000 that will make her feel loved or appropriately gifted.  I am a bad daughter!
2. I must spend at least $2,000 on a gift for my husband or he will leave me for a younger more appreciative woman who knows how to shop.
3. I must spend $400 on each child I have birthed or they will do drugs or join a cult...or do drugs AND join a cult and they will NOT be there for me in my old age.
4. Brothers ,sisters, nieces, nephews: I must give them each a $100 dollar gift card to ensure  they will at least THINK about me through the upcoming year.
5. Friends....  There is a scale here....If they have  seen me cry and throw a temper fit...  $50
If they have seen me cry,throw a temper  fit,  throw up ...$60
If they have seen me cry, throw a temper fit, throw up, unwashed ... $75
If they have have seen me cry, throw a temper fit,throw up,  unwashed, bleed .. $100
If they have seen me cry, throw a temper fit, throw up,  unwashed, bleed , naked...$125
If they have seen me  cry, throw a temper fit, throw up, unwashed, bleed, and naked ALL at the same time.... that will cost me $200 a year!
Casual acquaintances who I see regularly, but behave around....$20
Any one I meet for the first time during the holiday season......$10
If I don't follow these prescribed pricing rules.... I will, for one full year, be shunned like an amish slut!

18 months of therapy wasn't therapy.... It was de-programming! 

3 comments:

  1. $200? That's a lot of soap, baby! I'll be clean for a year!!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  2. "If they have seen me cry, throw a temper fit, throw up, unwashed, bleed, and naked ALL at the same time.... that will cost me $200 a year!"

    Look, I say that in itself is worth $200 bucks--they should be paying YOU! Chillax! All I want from you for Xmas is you and your company. I'll bring the booze and crackers and cheese :) Deal?

    ReplyDelete
  3. O little town of great mayhem
    how full we see thee lie
    upon this deft and souless scheme
    the charge cards they do fly....

    We love the holidays here, too!
    Penny

    ReplyDelete

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